What isolation and grief have in common

We are in bizarre times. Thank you to first responders, front line workers, and everyone who is putting themselves at risk for others.  I never knew how weird it was to wear a mask. No one can see my smile. And it’s claustrophobic.

The similarities between grieving and living with Covid isolation become more apparent every day.   “Life is just heavy and sad right now.” “I miss the hugs of my loved one.” “It’s so surreal.” “I don’t know what the future holds.” “I’m tired of feeling this way.”

Remember that everyone experiences loss and grief in different ways, so try to be compassionate and gracious. Some have lost more than others.

Remember too that every loss in life may bring up the ones from the past.  You may not have recently lost a loved one but there may be some similar feelings that you are struggling with. Let’s connect the dots and call what’s happening in this pandemic grief. 

Several of my former clients alerted me to a particularly relevant article that resonated with them.

That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief

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Uncertainty, Kindness, and a bit of Housekeeping

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one in this era of the Covid virus, then you are struggling with a double-whammy. You may already feel isolated and uncertain about the future. Now you share this feeling with many in the world. The internet is a great resource for hope and inspiration.  I’ve been listening to heartwarming stories of people who find help on their difficult journeys from unexpected ways. These stories are truly worth listening to. You will find them at www.wbur.org/kindworld.

If you are spreading the word about my website, I’m very grateful. My passion is to help those on the grief journey navigate it in a practical and realistic way.

For those who are new to my website, allow me to introduce myself. I began my career working at County Mental Health in Northern California, helping the chronic and seriously mentally ill population. Grievers were considered too lightweight and therefore most were declined services (unless you had an underlying mental illness). The administration considered grief a normal reaction. Which it absolutely is. But what was not considered was the impact on one’s life. It can be devastating emotionally, physically, and for some, financially. 

After 18 years there, I moved to Santa Barbara and worked almost 10 years for Hospice of Santa Barbara. This is a wonderful organization that gives free grief counseling. There, I was privileged to walk with hundreds of grievers, to share their pain, and to share the knowledge that I gained from those who had walked before. I compiled all that knowledge when I moved back to Northern California into a book called Courage Road, Your Guide from Grief to Hope.  It’s an easy read—something most grievers appreciate, having often lost the ability to concentrate.

I’d welcome hearing more about you and your grief journey. I like to know my audience. I care. Sign up for my newsletter at the bottom of my website and send me an email.

How to cope with grief setbacks

I've had an issue with vertigo for seven months now. It's the kind that when I move my head there is an illusion of movement. I'm mostly dizzy unless my head is still. Sometimes it seems to get better. Sometimes not and then I become discouraged thinking that I’ll always be this way. Here's the point and how it relates to grief: Physical and emotional pain are difficult to separate.

When you are deeply grieving, you want to get better fast. You know that you will always miss your loved one, but the pain and emptiness may feel like it will never get better. With my vertigo and your grief we have to remind ourselves that healing does not go in a straight line upward. There are many setbacks.

It sometimes feels that your heart may always be broken. Then you may get relief from the pain for a moment, or days or weeks, then, Wham—the emptiness comes flooding back. It can feel discouraging, or endless, and sometimes hopeless. However, remember to trust the healing process: moving along but with inevitable setbacks.

Setbacks often hit for no reason at all. And sometimes there are good reasons—is an anniversary or birthday coming up? Is Valentine’s Day approaching? Are you feeling particularly lonely without your best friend to check in with? Setbacks will come but there are healthy ways to move through.

Make a plan for approaching possible setbacks. Reach out for company or watch something inspiring and uplifting. Or perhaps have a good cry. Courage Road goes into more detail about everything I’ve covered here.

On a personal note, my daughter married into a wonderful, loving family. Her sister-in-law’s middle son recently had a huge medical scare. They found tumors in his brain. Thank God they are benign! But there will be ongoing treatment and Stanford Hospital did not accept their insurance. My son-in-law started a GoFundMe page to help with the deductible and future medical costs. If you are able to donate anything at all, it would be greatly appreciated.

Grief and Food

There’s no getting around the connection between these two. The connection between grief and food is often cultural, and in our culture it is often overlooked. Initially, the neighborly or church meal train may be there to help. But initially is when most grievers have no appetite. Throats are constricted and food tastes like cardboard. Then, when the casseroles stop coming and appetites pick up all one wants to eat is comfort food (carbs and sweets), which help in small measure to keep the loneliness at bay.

Food is just part of the problem—it’s also the empty chair across from you, the lack of discussion of what to have for the next meal, the favorite restaurant that you now avoid but also long for. Even going to the market may be a reminder of your great loss.

The support groups that I used to facilitate had a tradition around the holidays, which was to bring a dish your loved one either loved or detested and to share the story around that dish. (Since I was “in charge” I banned liver and cottage cheese.) It was a wonderful time of remembering with laughter and tears.

Especially for a grieving spouse, the disruption of shared meals is a constant reminder of their absence. There was a lovely young woman in my widow’s group who began inviting friends over for dinner. Her husband had been the chef in the family and she was just learning to cook. It provided her with a way to fill her kitchen with supportive and appreciative voices. We marveled at the energy it took to do this.

More people are recognizing the need for communal support. The Dinner Party is for 20 and 30-somethings who have experienced the loss of a parent, partner, child, sibling, close friend or family member. “We know what it’s like to lose someone and we aren’t afraid to talk about it.” Bravo for this group. They apparently have one in Santa Barbara and one in San Jose. See thedinnerparty.org for more information.  

Also, check into CulinaryGriefTherapy.com for another resource. I’m not sure if this unique support group is in your area but it sounds practical and supportive.  

Thank you for supporting Courage Road by sharing this post or buying my book.

Hail to the Caregivers

She was a 28-year-old Japanese-American woman living in Seattle with an excellent job. When her mother received a terminal diagnosis, her world turned upside down. She was an only child and her father had passed some years earlier, so the duty fell to Anna to become caregiver to her mom.

Is it duty or honor? For her, it would prove to be both.

She was the first client that I accompanied on the caregiver journey. We both learned a lot. Most people are totally unprepared and untrained for this journey. It is overwhelming and exhausting, frustrating and rewarding. Unless you have the skills of a social worker, administrative assistant, nurse, maid, chef, assertive advocate, chauffeur, and therapist then you are flying by the seat of your pants.  

Managing doctors’ appointments, medications and side effects, organizing medical equipment, and bathing and dressing a loved one is daunting and exhausting. The psychological pressure of “doing it correctly” is a heavy weight.

When I was working at Hospice of Santa Barbara, our hearts were heavy for caregivers, so we started a support group and made sure they were pampered in a way that most did not allow themselves to be. But the group numbers dwindled because the caregivers felt guilty for leaving their loved one. “Take care of yourself first so you have something to give others,” is an important but mostly ignored adage. Nevertheless, I highly recommend group support. Check out a local church, hospice, or online group.

Guilt seems to be an emotion that is prevalent during this difficult time.

In Anna’s case, she had the guilt of leaving behind her husband in Seattle to care for mom in Santa Barbara. When she returned to visit her husband, she felt the guilt of leaving mom. She always felt the fear that she was not doing enough to help either relationship. Anna’s mom passed after eight months of loving care. Fortunately, their mutual love and respect made the journey one that Anna cherished. That is not always the case.

There are so many aspects to the difficulties of caregiving that I cannot list here. Please know that I honor you now and what you have accomplished in the past, and what you have to deal with for the future.

Feel free to leave comments to share your experiences or insights.

New developments:

Remember my book is now available in Spanish. I’m so excited to bring my words to a whole new audience.

Also, soon I will be coming out with a new helpful product. It’s a set of 12-plus sympathy cards to you give to a friend or relative each month after their loss. When a griever stops hearing from people, it becomes empty and uncomfortable. Let them know you still care throughout the year. I’ll let you know when they are available.

Climbing the Everest of Grief

I have accompanied hundreds of people on their grief journey. Because of that experience I understand so many of their heartaches and trials and slow—very slow—paths to recovery. But I have a confession to make. I have not, thank God, had to deal with loss myself.

Yes, I lost the best parents in the world, the ones who gave me the love and strength to carry other’s burdens and losses with wholeness. But if put to the test, if I had to deal with the loss of my siblings or best friends or heaven forbid, my grown children or grandchildren, how would I handle it? Could I survive? Would I read my own book and put the tips and coping tools into practice?

I hope so. I truly do. Given that so many people have told me that my book helped them so much, I hope I would take my own advice.

I’m amazed at the number of people who do not seek guidance through their grief journey. Going through the disorienting haze of losing a loved one without help feels foolish to me, like climbing Mt. Everest without a Sherpa.

Am I going too far with that metaphor? I don’t think so. Most people are surprised by the intensity of emotions, the exhaustion, the confusion that often accompanies a great loss. It may feel like they are wandering in the darkness for months or even years if there is no one to validate their experience as normal and necessary.

How do I know that guidance is valuable? Because of a drawer filled with thank you notes.

You see, my advice is there for you after the condolence cards and casseroles stop coming. After an all too short period, the griever often feels like the time to be sad (or at least show the outward expressions of sadness) has run its course with family and friends. These well-meaning people want to see some progress in your grief journey. But the healing journey isn't a straight line up.

I recently listened to an excellent TED Talk about “the messy, complicated truth about grief.” Nora McInerny experienced multiple losses in the same year. Although grief is not a funny topic, she made it amusing. It’s worth the 15 minutes of your time.

She says this: “We do not move on from the dead people we love or the difficult situations we’ve lived through. We move forward, but we carry it all with us. Some of it gets easier to bear, some of it will always feel Sisyphean. We live on, but we are not the same as we once were. This is not macabre or depressing or abnormal. We are shaped by the people we love, and we are shaped by their loss.”

Please remember to find your guide through grief, such as my book Courage Road. Get it for yourself or someone you know. Please order from my website. I also do phone and in-person counseling sessions.

The Subject We Can't Avoid

Today I want to talk about the delicate subject of suicide. Don’t stop reading now!

I facilitated several different groups of those who lost a close person to suicide and worked with numerous, perhaps hundreds of, individuals and families who suffered this heartbreak.

This is a complicated grief. The manner of death definitely adds another layer to the healing process. I understand why emphasis is put on Suicide Prevention. There’s a whole month dedicated to it. It’s important for us to be aware. However, in my experience, suicide is not always preventable but it heaps guilt upon families who were not able to prevent it.  

There are people who struggle with life on a daily basis for a myriad of reasons. Because of shame or not wanting to be a burden, they may hide the symptoms well. One client told me that her husband admitted, “Suicide has nipped at my heels all my life.”

If a person succeeds in taking their own life, they leave behind a confounded group of grievers. These grievers often wonder what signs they missed. “If onlys” and “What ifs” may plague them for years. Our minds seek completion, therefore we try to make sense of such a tragedy. I tell my clients that it’s okay to try to put the jigsaw puzzle back together but there will always be a few pieces missing. Then, try to let it be. (Not let it go, let it be.)

For everyone, try not to judge. It can happen in any family, in any circle of friends. I hope that the stigma it used to have is lessening.

Taylor’s Tip: “When my amazing nephew took his own life, of course my family was devastated, but we chose to turn it into something positive. On the day of the month that he died, we do J Day (Joey Day). Everyone that knows about J Day does an act of kindness in his honor. The results have been such a blessing.”

Exciting News!

Some exciting things are happening with Courage Road. First, my website got a makeover, making it more relevant and interesting. You might have noticed! Be sure to listen to the beautiful original music, From Grief to Hope, on the Home page.

Also, I’m excited to announce that the Spanish version of Courage Road has finally been published. If you know anyone who would benefit from this, or if you have any connections with someone who could market this to the Spanish-speaking community, please let me know.

When purchasing either of these books, I’d sure appreciate you going through my website rather than Amazon. The small increase in royalties from direct sales goes a long way toward covering the costs of keeping Courage Road online and helping grievers.

Another post dealing with grief issues will be coming out next week, so please look for it.

The Buffet Approach To Healing

I hope that you are moving along on your grief journey, which does not mean “getting over” it.
 
Remember the Loops of Recovery? If not, look at my earlier blog post and my book (page 15). Each part of the loop is important — the downward loop and the upward loop. Both are a necessary part of the grief journey. 
 
But to “move along” takes some action. I coined the phrase The Buffet Approach to Healing. That means that you are going to take a little of this and a little of that to help you on the Road. You might call a friend who is sensitive and supportive, you might journal, take a walk in nature, go to a grief support group, see a therapist who specializes in grief, or try some Expressive Arts to access both sides of your brain. The more (and varied) tools that you use, the smoother the Road to healing will be.

Often I hear feedback about my book that is extremely positive but people may mention that they didn’t finish the whole thing. There are some very valuable nuggets at the end and at the Appendix. I urge you to take a look.

In fact, these tools are good for life in general, even when you are not in bereavement. I’d appreciate it if you ask a friend to sign up for my Newsletter. The more Courage Road grows, the more we help those in need.

A New Year Is Come

A new year is come. What do you hope for in your grief journey? That you won’t cry as much? That the weight that sits on your chest becomes lighter? That the constant exhaustion converts into a bit of energy? I hope for these things for you also.
 
For those who are further along in the pain of their grief journey, perhaps you can look back and think how it feels to have made some shifts toward healing.
 
The emptiness and longing may still be there for quite a long time, and for some forever. However, that does not mean that healing in other area can’t take place. This then translates to overall strength or compassion (for self and others), or peace.
 
My motto is, “You get used to everything whether you want to or not.” Your life accommodates to your grief. It becomes part of the fabric of who you are.
 
A woman who attended my Widow’s Group several years ago wrote about her grief journey. Remember that everyone has their own unique journey, however there are some similarities to everyone’s pain and eventual healing.  Thanks for sharing, Alix.

Sudden Death

When you experience a life-altering event it can be unbearable to handle and accept, until you are ready.  That life- altering event for me was the night my husband of 40 years grasped his hand to his chest and died right in front of me. Sudden death is an event that is very difficult to process, and actually, you don’t really, for a very long time.  You let out little bits of it, to keep it real, but you quickly retreat to an easier place to be.  For me, it was sharing my new life as a single woman with my friends and traveling with them to far reaching places in the world. Only then could I breath easier. However, when I would come back home, and usually on the plane as we were approaching LAX, the anxiousness and sadness in me, always simmering inside me, would bubble up.
 
         My adult children, who also experienced the shock of losing their father, were grieving too, each in their own way. With families of their own, they could not afford the luxury I had to escape through travel. It was, however, difficult for them to understand me, and my grieving process. I chose to shelter them from the huge sadness that sat like a heavy weight on my chest and heart, every day and night. They saw me choosing joy instead of wallowing in my loss.  I wanted to inspire them, to show them how to handle all this, to let them know I will be fine, that I would not be a burden to them. And I would be there if and when they needed me. 
 
         Just like letting the steam out slowing from the pressure cooker my mom used to use on top the stove, little by little, I let my ache for the life I had and the longing for the man I loved, seep out. Slowly, as to not overwhelm me; carefully and sometimes surprisingly, at times when I couldn’t hold the tears back.  The cry was always the same; deep and intense. Gratefully, it didn’t last long those moments, and I always felt better after. Nature is pretty wonderful. If you can’t handle trauma, then she leaves it in a tight box inside you until you are ready to process it.  In my own way, that is what I did….and perhaps I am no different from anyone else who has experienced any sort of trauma in their life.  Talking about it has helped me. Writing about it has soothed me. Sharing with it has eased my pain. 
 
         And then one day, I was fortunate enough to meet a man who wanted to meet me half way. I heard of his pain, and he listened to my stories. To be loved again and yet not leave my sorrow, stories, and sadness in the box, opened my heart. I had already accepted that joy was mine for the taking. But now, I felt joy and love with someone new in my life.  Someone who says YES to as many new things as I do. Regardless of where our roads will eventually lead, we are on the same path of discovery today. What we have discovered is that we are not too old to feel the excitement of new love and perhaps, a future together. 

Coping with Grief During the Holiday Season

The holidays are fast approaching. It’s a season when most people expect their friends and family to be jolly and filled with festive cheer. For that reason many of my clients find this time of year to be the most difficult of all.
 
For those who are grieving, the juxtaposition of sadness vs. merriment can feel unbearable. How will I make it through this season? How do I wear a mask pretending to be okay? Finding the energy to do anything merry can seem impossible.
 
If you’re in this period of your life, you know what I mean. For those whose loss is getting lighter, I know you remember those feelings.
 
There are many techniques that can help you survive the holidays. I want to share two that were particularly meaningful to my clients.  
 
First, the lack of sunlight can be depressing and dreary, and darkening the already dark days of grief. A former client came up with the brilliant idea of lighting her home with flameless candles. Using a timer, she ensured she always came home to a house that was beautifully lit.
 
Second, the following ritual can be especially poignant, and will allow you to acknowledge your loved one and your feelings. It’s best done with family members who are also grieving but can even work with as many or few people as you wish.
 
Remember, it’s okay to cry.

Candle Lighting Ritual for the Holidays

This ritual serves to commemorate the loss of your loved one. It can be something you recite yourself as you light the candles, or you can ask people to each read a passage while others light the candles.

As we light these four candles in honor of you we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love.

LIGHT THE FIRST CANDLE

The light of this first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

LIGHT THE SECOND CANDLE

The light of this second candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives.

LIGHT THE THIRD CANDLE

This third candle is a light to all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other; the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

LIGHT THE FOURTH CANDLE

This fourth candle is the light of our love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always.

How Human Connection Helps Heal Grief

What really helps when you are grieving? It’s a question I’ve been asked many times, and there’s never a clear answer. I was thinking about this again last night, and here’s what I came up with.

Walking the grief journey alone can be paralyzing. Many people need someone to validate where they are and what they are going through. Having company on the road helps because when someone connects their heart to yours, it feels right.

As a therapist, we “play back” what the person said or what they must be feeling. And when we don’t get it right, the client lets us know. We shape and re-shape until we hit the target—“Yes, you do understand what I’m saying. That feels good.”

Walking with someone (a friend, relative, or therapist) who connects to your heart is powerful, soothing, and eventually healing. It does not help to walk with someone who doesn’t get it, or who judges for “not grieving the right way,” or feels that you are taking too long to grieve. That lack of understanding opens up the wound that may have just begun to form a scab. 

You immediately see life with a different lens once “the diagnosis” is given, or when you hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. When the fire burns everything you cherish, or your baby hasn’t moved in the womb for the last few days, or your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore, I want a divorce.” When you hear of yet another shooting and pray your child wasn’t in that vicinity. Instantly, your world is colored by fear and uncertainty. Every moment feels surreal. And you begin that long journey back to… back to where? Back to normal? Not really, because you are forever changed by deep loss. Some people don’t like the term “new normal” but I believe that describes it.

I have walked with hundreds of clients who have navigated the journey to a place of healing—whatever healing means to them. I’ve made mistakes with good intentions. We all do. But I hope I’ve connected with their hearts. Grief does soften but it has its own timetable—your timetable, no one else’s.

My heart is heavy today for all those in pain from grief. But I will hold the light for you and hope you see the glimmer ahead.

Coping With Grief Through the Dark Winter Months

As the season changes, grief can often deepen. This is true especially as we go into Autumn and Winter. This doesn’t mean going into the brightness of Spring and Summer can’t also be too much. Heck, grief is awful at any season. So let’s think of ways to cope.

Wrap your support network around you like a blanket. It’s often tempting to isolate. Stimulation feels raw. Find healthy people who truly support you.

Let candles welcome you home. Buy the ones that are fake but look so real. Some you can program to be on when you return in the darkness.

It’s okay to say No, but try to say Yes. When friends or family ask you out or over and you’re not feeling up to it, you may want to give it a try but with an “escape” plan in mind. Explain that you may need to leave early and take your own car. Or…just say no.

I’d love to have you share any coping tools that have helped you. Please leave a comment.

 I’ve been posting on Courage Road Instagram and Courage Road Facebook. If you know anything about me, posting on anything is difficult so I’m pretty proud of the creative work I’m doing there. Please check it out.  

 Thanks to all of you who support my mission to help those in bereavement. Let’s help each other.

Grief and Resilience

I recently read an article that spoke about resilience and grief. It stated that our brain is wired to handle grief—that we may experience anguish, shock, even woundedness, but most of us manage to regain our equilibrium, some faster than others. The article says that 10 percent of us experience “chronic” and relentless grief that demands counseling. Another third or so plunge into deep sadness and gradually begins recovery. But most of us—between 50 and 60 percent—can often appear to carry on as normal once the initial pain of the loss has passed.

I polled my siblings and asked them why we were “okay” when our parents died. Why didn’t we need counseling? Did we not love them? Our mom and dad were awesome. We were sad and missed them but we didn’t plunge into darkness. Perhaps because they appeared to “accept” their impeding deaths, they gave us the gift to perhaps do the same. We were all (mom and dad included) grateful for the gift of life, no matter how untimely the death. 

If you are one of the 50 to 60% of grievers whose brain allows for resilience when grieving, then good for you. This does not mean you aren’t sad or deeply missing and longing for the person you lost, but that you are able to return at some point to your day-to-day lives.

Remember that sudden and tragic deaths, or your own unique circumstances, impact the way you respond to loss. Even if you are a resilient person, in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death most of us struggle to cope. If you need additional guidance to set you on the path to recovery, then please check out my book and the amazing reviews it has received.

Thank you so much to those who wrote the reviews.  I’m hoping to stay high up in the Google rankings and spread the mission of Courage Road. Here's a super easy link to write a review of me, as your grief counselor, or my book. Review My Book On Google 

If you want to read the full article about grief and resilience, you can do so here. It’s well written and has lots more thought provoking ideas about the grief journey.

Learning to Live with Loss

The good news is that the pain of loss does soften over the years. I never like the phrase “get over it”.  I prefer that we “accommodate” our losses. It weaves into the fabric of our lives.

The bad news is that Grief can resurrect itself at any time, even years later—when you smell a familiar scent, when you see a couple walking hand in hand, when you see a child the same age as when your own child died. You know what I’m talking about. It can hit you like a sledgehammer or it can hit with sweet memories. Sometimes, down the Road, you may remember the pain but you don’t feel the pain.  What a relief when that finally happens.

If you haven’t done your grief work, the pain is more likely to impact you. Reading my book, Courage Road: Your Guide from Grief to Hope, will show you the many ways to do your grief work. Thank you to all of you who purchase it on my website for yourself or a friend or family member.

My purpose and goal with Courage Road has always been to reach more grievers who need help on this difficult journey. I’ve avoided this marketing stuff for a long time, but I’m now attempting to go full force. I’ll be much more active on Courage Road Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and who knows what else. I’d appreciate your support in reading what I post. Did you know that even if you read but not “like”,  it helps Google know this information is valuable?

Also, I've set up a review page on FB. That’s different than just writing a comment.  Would you mind writing a review about either my book or the help that you have received.  https://www.facebook.com/pg/courageroad/reviews/ THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is approaching. This is often considered a "Hallmark" holiday. That is, a day commercialized to help businesses with the sale of cards, flowers, candy, etc. However, for those who are grieving the loss of their mother, this day will probably trigger layers of emotions.  Perhaps she was your best friend, your confidante, your rock, the one you turned to for guidance. My mom died of a brain tumor the month before my first child was born. I had never even changed a diaper. I needed her comfort and support. I grieved that my children would never know her sweet presence. 

Some of you may not have had a good relationship with your mother and therefore you grieve the finality, that what could have been will never be—unfinished business. 

Perhaps your feelings are mixed and confused because although you loved her dearly, she left you with a big mess of a house to clean and finances to straighten out. Or you may be happy she is no longer suffering, but you miss her physical presence. Or she was already "gone" with dementia years ago. I uniquely feel for those of you whose mother died while you were a child. 

Grieving is rarely straightforward. It's a jagged and complex road to healing. Doing the "work" will ease this difficult journey. Here's my suggestion for this upcoming Mother's Day: write your mom a handwritten letter. That's right, handwritten, not computerized. Just write what's on your mind. No judgment. Putting the pen to paper helps to heal the heart. 

Here's a quick non-sciencey article about the positive effects of handwriting:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/nancyolson/2016/05/15/three-ways-that-writing-with-a-pen-positively-affects-your-brain/#5b41e34e5705

If your mom is still with us, then write her a letter. This may just be for your own therapy. Depending on your relationship with her, you do not need to give it. But remember, one day she will be gone and then won't have the chance to say what you've been putting off. "I love you," or "Let's work on a better relationship," or "Why am I the only child with green eyes?" 

In Memory of Margaret Ransom

The Pervasiveness of Grief

Hello Dear Ones - I have not written a Courage Road post for several months. I'll tell you why. In the face of what happened in my former community of Santa Barbara/Montecito, I was rendered speechless. The devastation of the fires and then the mudslides were incomprehensible. What words could possibly comfort during this unprecedented disaster? I don't live there anymore but I still felt the impact in my gut. I was told of the somber mood which loomed over the cities. Such grief! And more recently the Parkland shootings in Florida—more grief. 

Is it me or does grief seem to pervade our daily lives?

The theme of my book Courage Road: Your Guide from Grief to Hope speaks about the courage it takes to face the pain, not to numb or deny it. However, I also emphasize the need for balance. It's far too dark and depressing to stay in the state of pain. Sometimes we must distract ourselves. 

Can you plan something that might be entertaining like a movie? Or can you take a break from news? Or can you get together with friends and declare a "Positive Only Zone". Some of you left the Santa Barbara area to breath clean air somewhere else. Did it feel good to get away? Could you practice releasing the worry of the day? 

Many of you may have experienced trauma associated with the tragic events. I firmly believe that EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help minimize and even remove disturbing images or sensations that we are unable to shake off. Please find a therapist who practices that modality of treatment. 

Gratitude Keeps Bitterness at Bay

I am grateful to all of you who read my Courage Road updates because YOU give meaning to my life. I’m assuming that what I’m writing is helpful therefore that gives my life purpose.

In my experience as a grief counselor, I found that  those who were able to be grateful for something, anything—even in the midst of profound grief—were the ones I knew would heal. Being grateful keeps away BITTERNESS, which is, as they say, an awful pill to swallow.

Please watch this video on YouTube.  It’s upbeat and for those in deep grief “upbeat” can sometimes be annoying or even offensive. But if you watch, I know you will understand why I recommend it.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Remember if you would like to purchase my book, I encourage you to do so on my website instead of Amazon. You will be paying it forward to help others in grief.

Perspectives on Loss

I have recently been reminded of a client that came to see me in 2008, shortly after the loss of her mother by suicide. She gave me permission to share her PERSPECTIVE ON LOSS. It seems especially appropriate given the recent California fires.

Satie Airamé wrote this almost two years after her losses:

Together with many other families in Santa Barbara, my husband and I lost our home and almost all our belongings in the Tea Fire on November 13, 2008. As the fire roared up Sycamore Canyon, we had a few minutes to evacuate some of our artwork and photographs, important documents and a handful of clothing. We left our home of ten years just minutes before the raging firestorms reached our property. We were lucky to drive to safety, unharmed.  

In spite of our overwhelming loss brought about by the Tea Fire, we have been able to maintain some perspective on the true meaning of loss. Just a few months before the fire took our home, my mother took her own life after a long and difficult struggle with depression. When I learned of her death, I felt my heart breaking. For days, I was numb with shock; nauseated with pain; dizzy with anxiety. My body felt heavy like lead; I was overcome with fatigue. I slept like a stone, dreamless. I was afraid of waking each morning, dreading the realization that I would never again be able to talk to my mother or hug her.

Satie goes on to describe the value of getting into a Survivors of Suicide group.

We, a community of survivors, all struggle with overwhelming emotions and questions after the suicide of a loved one. Little by little, we share thoughts and feelings, and seek to co-exist—and eventually LIVE—with our losses.

In the stressful days after the Tea Fire, I sometimes wondered how my mother would have comforted and counseled me. I knew what she would say—because she said it many times before. When she felt weighed down by material stuff, my mom said, “Everybody needs a good fire once in awhile.” In other words, material belongings can become a burden and their unexpected loss can free the owner to pursue true inspiration of the present moment, uncomplicated by historical experiences and acquisitions. Our material losses caused by the Tea Fire remind us that happiness arises, not from a house and our belongings, but from the fire of life and spirit of kindness within us, and the gift of love we share with our family and friends.

Please note that Satie gave herself permission to truly and deeply grieve both losses. Perspective comes only with time, not in the midst of the pain. She told me that even writing this piece was painful, re-living the experience, but it was also cathartic.

Processing Grief

Oh my goodness! There has been so much devastation and tragedy recently—Houston, Florida Keys, Mexico, Puerto Rico and Las Vegas—grief upon grief upon grief. Perhaps you are witnessing this grief on the news and not personally. But the assault on our senses has an impact on us. It’s also an assault on our assumption of safety, which is quickly eroding if not already eradicated. How many of us are losing sleep because we are fearful? Watching the news we want to vomit, cry, wail, or count our blessings because we know that could have been any of us.

Perhaps you not only watching the news but you were personally effected by your own recent losses—you buried your beloved father recently, or your best friend was diagnosed with terminal illness. What do we do with all this GRIEF?

The clinical term is PROCESS. Why is it important to process? Because it truly helps your healing journey—whether it’s talking with someone who lovingly validates, or doing some expressive arts (collage, poem), or walking with reflective intention, or journal. There are many ways to do something with that grief energy as opposed to doing nothing with the fear, helplessness, loneliness, and all the other feelings that accompany grief.  

The following are examples of two women who took steps to process.  

Leslie A. Westbrook wrote about her many losses for an article in The Independent—a weekly Santa Barbara newspaper.  As I read, I felt deeply about the way she was honoring the people whom she loved and lost and about the way she honored her own feelings. The beginning of the article is captivating. You’ll want to read the rest. Click on the link below.     

Dear Grief, It’s time to take a break. I have spent way too much time with you. The death of my father along with 20 other friends, family members, and neighbors in 2014 was unfathomable and had me reeling. I didn’t think you had it in you to come back so soon — but sure enough, there you were again in 2015, back with a vengeance.

http://www.independent.com/news/2016/jan/06/dear-grief/

Next is a book of poems that I have referenced before. One of her amazing poems is in my book. Susan Cochran’s husband, Jim died suddenly in 2010. Although grieving deeply, she was such an example to our Widows’ Group of how to process or move that grief energy around. This year she published In the Sea of Grief and Love, a compilation of the many poems she wrote about her loss. They are so honest and loving and powerful. You can buy Susan’s book on Amazon.    

Thank you so much to all who attended my presentations at La Casa de Maria and Hospice of Santa Barbara. I really appreciate you.

Please remember to buy my book on my website instead of Amazon if you want to support the mission of Courage Road.